If you force me to enter my "title" to register for a online tech event… your system better be prepeared for "National Factors Supervisor of Internal Web Representation Officer and Global Assurance Technician for Future Integrations; entourage to Troy McClure."

Co-worker 1: I just don’t want us to fractional-ass this project.

Co-worker 2: I get what you mean. But then again, we don’t want to whole-ass everything.

(Some technical discussion later)

Co-worker 2: So it’s settled. The optimal team range is 5/8 to 7/8 of assing it.

Pedantic coworker in comments: I see an "out of scope" section. What is "in scope" in this requirements document? We should formally state scope.

Me: "Requirements" are what is "in scope" in a requirements document.

(Talking about security for a project at work)

Me: Rome wasn’t made secure in a day.

Me: … or in 10 centuries either. Bad metaphor.

Them: "All roads lead to Rome" implies no firewall, either.

Me: *bites the bullet and pays for bottom-end airplane wifi to do prep for work while flying cross-country*

Adobe: UPDATING 5 APPS RIGHT THE FUCK NOW…

Me: ... wait... no...

Adobe: DOWNLOADING 2.7 YOTTABYTES OF MOSTLY BUGGY UI CHANGES YOU DON’T WANT ANYWAY...

Being asked to takeover an abandonware system that several teams use. We need to publish an initial uptime SLO based on its current performance:

Me: Can 45% uptime be shorthanded as "one-half-nine of uptime?"

Co-worker: We'll refer to it as "five fours"